I had a really good session with one of my teachers yesterday. It was a deep and meaningful conversation which led me to further process my thoughts and reflect upon my life.
I came away from it feeling whole and complete within myself again. I have felt and seen aspects of these in the past three years but never felt so complete as I did yesterday.
For a long time in my life, I was in a state of rut and I certainly did regress in such high toxicity in my marriage. All I wanted to do then was hide in a shell emotionally, and just get on with business as there was life and a living to make.
Toxic relationships can wear you down, you find yourself trapped in a box with no way out, not that you did not try to get out. But the harder your tried, the more toxic it became, and then it hits you —- you just want to numb yourself out and give up, and you literally feel the poison seeping into every pore of your being. And you just exist, lifeless, no emotions, just thoughts of pushing yourself through it all.
The end of the relationship felt like the end of a huge storm. You see the sun’s rays peeping through the dark clouds, you feel a sense of hope and you are able to smile once again. But like the destruction that the storm has caused, you also see the destruction it has caused in your own life. So you spend time picking up the pieces, gathering things together, repair stuff and put everything back together again. And soon everything feels fresh and new again.
This is where I am at now.
Life has never felt so good. Lots of lessons learned in a decade of toxicity, more good things will come from the lessons, I know.
My conversation with my teacher made me realise many things, but one of the most important of all is that I am back. I am me, once again.